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Parenthood is weird.
What else makes you literally want to bawl your eyes out with love and rip your hair out with frustration five seconds apart?
There are times I just can’t wait for bedtime.
Like, I literally can’t WAIT to get away from my kids.
I stare at the clock and count down the minutes.
But once they’re in bed?
Once they’re asleep, I stare at them on the video monitor.
I watch them sleep.
And I feel guilt.
I’m often flooded with guilt and regret for the things I am not proud of from the day.
I think about the times I yelled at them.
I think about the times I stared at them with crazy eyes bulging out of my head, willing myself to calm down, but just not being able to stop the stream of words coming from my mouth.
I think of the times I was not the mom I want to be for them.
The guilt hits and I feel regret.
I also feel alone.
I start to tell myself lies.
No one else hollers at their kids like I do.
No one else stares at the ceiling and yells, “LORD HELP ME” when their kids look on, wide eyed.
No one else does those crazy things.
That’s what my brain tries to tell me.
But I know better.
I know parenthood is hard.
I know, despite what social media makes us believe, every single parent out there loses their cool sometimes.
I KNOW I am not alone.
It doesn’t make us bad parents.
It doesn’t mean we don’t love our kids.
I literally feel like I could cry sometimes, because I love those two small people so dang much.
But good grief, they drive me insane too.
That’s the insanity of parenthood.
That’s the part I’ve been wrestling with and fighting against.
But I think that’s just part of it.
I don’t think it’s going to change any time soon.
I think parenthood will always be one part irritation and one part intense adoration.
Yet, they kind of balance each other out, don’t they?
Parenthood is weird.
But it is also worth every single frustrating, fantastic second.
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